E.V.S - a heartfelt story!!

The first word that strikes you when someone says EVS – pakau, simple, cakewalk, boring, irritating…. Childhood stuff….. useless…. Time-pass…. In the wildest of your dream you wouldn’t want to believe that a subject like E.V.S. has the untapped potential to show you shining stars in broad-daylight until the same light becomes lightening and strikes a day before the exam (don’t trouble trouble, until trouble troubles you…. Coz if you trouble trouble, trouble will trouble you)…. U knw EVS at the back of your hand (the problem is … when u wanna write it 4 ur exam, it doesn’t move on to the pen which is in the front of ur hand…. Else thers no problem)… WHY??…. Did it in our childhood! Now its below our dignity to study it in F. Y. B.Com… v r C.A. + B.Com students… get it straight … C.A. + B.Com …. EVS padhenge!!.. Shaa!!… izzat ka sawaal hai!!…. so easy is EVS that when a professor asks what are the two parts of the core, some wiz-kid experiences a flash of occasional brilliance and says ‘HARDCORE and SOFTCORE’….. Epitome of creativity, isn’t it??… From the first day of F. Y. B. Com, u only sit & marvel at the superlative qualification of ur EVS professor ... PhD (the state and university is immaterial…. 4m that state, people have gotten Ph. D. in English) ... Not her fault… Those same professors then recommend u a book … with all the possible excitement, u walk to Parle Book Depot and get a bag full books, including EVS (Rs. 1045…. That too u gonna use the books just 2ce in the whole year)…. Till 48 hours before the exam, the book is crystal clean…. Neva bothered to touch it…. why??… Did it in our childhood… below our level to study it in F. Y. B.Com… n when u open that book, u cannot but marvel at the literary aptitude of 2 Ph. D. writers and 1 visiting professor in NMIMS… d first 4 hours are spent only correcting commas and full stops and wondering whether the writer has misinterpreted the definitions of a comma and a full stop… After 4 words, there suddenly appears a full stop out of thin air…. U donno whether the four words are the conclusion of the previous sentence or the start of the next!!… by the time u decipher that, u realize u read that somewhere sometime in ur bachpan!!… The remaining part of the day goes in correcting the grammatical errors!!…. Then the few minutes that remain, wud surely b 4 for relaxation and marveling at your achievement … cuhmon ppl!!…. C d Herculean task u just performed ... the book is a rare collection of masterpieces –
1.) The government sets aside funds to eradicate poverty by eradicating literacy!!…. wow!…. means all C.A.’s will b beggars!
2.) The sex-ratio of of age group 7+ is poor because the age group 0-6 fared badly… FARED BADLY??…. gedda life man!!…. what on earth does FARED BADLY mean in this context??
3.) Many of the big green companies applying the famous three Rs – reduce, recycle, reuse….. where on bloody earth is the verb in the sentence???
4.) The concepts of a natural resource has been broadened … whers d frigging agreement between the verb and the noun??
5.) Mineral are more limited ... beautyfool English…. Err… I mean BEAUTIFUL…. Not my fault… I’ve gone thru 59 pages of superlative literary talent.

On a more serious note, its far beyond your comprehension prowess to fathom how could a college like NM even recommend a piece of Holy Shit!!…… from the start to the end, the book consistently keeps u gripped…. Y wudnt it??…. every three lines u find some shameful n disgusting mistake!….

And when the ceremonious day arrives, u strut along like a peacock to the exam hall, somehow trying all Permutations and Combinations of getting 18 mks….that’s our benchmark of brilliance, isn’t it??….. map mein 5…. Means 13 outta 45??…. but what if map mein I don’t get 5?…. say 3…. So 15 outta 45…. UKV said that bio-diversity ka ans is sure-shot (I’m quoting)…. So that means I rathofy it….. say 6 there…. Thas 9 outta 15…. Baki ka I’ll manage…. According to vaastu-shastra and fengshui, the right people are seated at the right angles…. But when u get the papers, imagine the look on ur face when u see all but the supposed important questions ….. u wonder whether u heard properly??…. was I 2 study em or leave em??…. the u sumhow make sure u get 5 in the map….. 2 Give Reasons u knw something and make that into many things… the other u exaggerate to shameful levels (displaying no sort of emotion that remotely looks like shame)…. U see 1 short note that u actually learnt in ur childhoold….. u write away 2 glory… then u suddenly spot a short note that interests u…. WORLD POLITICS….. u loose awareness that it’s a 5 marks question in an exam and not an essay writing competition until u write 3 and a half sides…. Suddenly something jolts u back 2 reality and u realize u have attempted just 30 marks…. U cant guarantee urself 18 from that surely…. Then thers one 10 mark answer of which u have a pretty decent idea about…. U again inflate few lines to few sides with PRESENTATION and UNDERLINING….. but after writing worth 40 marks, which was merely bluff, mere exaggeration, mere stories, mere bullshit combined with horseshit, ur conscience pricks u (hu said the soul is dead??… hu said ethics look good only in the books??)…. how callous can u be to your teachers??…. u feel u shudnt torture em more …. So like a concerned student u tie-up your supplements (I forgot to mention…. Such is my skill n expertise in exaggeration that I needed 2 supplements)….. give the paper to the invigilator….. walk away….. with shame.,… n come out n laaf… shamelessly!!

Disclaimer: This is an earnest request to all stalwarts of the English language to please ignore any grammatical or spelling errors that may have occurred and brought the language to disrepute. I sincerely apologize for all errors, but at the same time would like to bring to the notice of those concerned that these errors are a mere consequence of RELIABLE PUBLICATIONS and this infection shall take a few days to heal!!

PS: For those who felt the previous blog was an *insanely long* epic, this one is 25.0345675% shorter