After havin procrastinated for days on end, i'm finally back to blogging!!.... its impulsive and compulsive!!.... deadly combination nah?!?!.....

My return to the blissful world of blogging is attributed merely to the humane attitude of my C.A. firm hu realised AFTER OCTOBER 31st 'ki yeh aapke khelne-koodne ke din hain'..... realisation has dawned pretty late on them.... whateva!!..... due to sudden surge of humanity and sympathy and compassion, they somehow decide to pack me home @ 3:00 o'clock..... had it not been for their benevolent gesture, i never would have gotten the opportunity to subject you people to pleasurable torture!!..... everyone u meet these days only talk of ARTICLESHIP.... everybody is hell-bent to procalim to glory his or hsi firm..... what happens inside is immaterial, irrelavent, inconsequential!!....... 10 mins lunch breaks...... 12 hrs work...... witnessing the efficiecny of the IT dept.... filling five 20 sides long ITR's in a day are all forgotten when u stand up to defend the supremacy of your firm.... not your fault either..... u r governed by a sense of duty, loyalty, trust, committment to your firm.....whether it leaves u @ 11:45 at nite.... or whether it makes u stamp papers.... or whether your C.A. fires u left, right & center, u yet inexplicably choose to believe and proclaim that your firm is destined to achieve heights of glory!!

But the climax of the movie is during physical stock taking!!..... climbing up on tanks..... climing up monkey ladders..... smellin wierd chemicals...... inhaling obnoxious fumes..... wearin a crash-helmet, rubber gloves, protective eye-gear and a thermal suit is not a daily experience, is it??.... u need nerves of any material but the ones u normally have to actually peep down when u stand atop a tank thats actually 30 feet in the air and is filled with some liquid chemical thats boiling @ 173 degrees..... u dont add to that liquid by keepin ur pants dry is an achievemnt in itself!!.... the cynics and skeptics as usual would undermine ur credentials!!..... even the biggest theme park in Asia wudnt give u such thrilling adventure for free!!..... if that was not enuf, u then proceed from raw materials to finished goods!!..... stacks and stacks of packing material..... each as thick as a note book.... one sack weighs 25 kilos!!.... phew!!..... since its ur first assignment, u r governed by high degrees of integrity..... so when one rack of sacks has only 22 bags compared to the 25 mentioned in the stock statement, u actually get a fork-lift, pull down 25 racks and count 22 on the 26th one and make a change in GREEN ink on the statement and SIGN.... what a feeling!!..... what a feeling!!... ur sign can change the statement of a/cs of a public ltd. co.!!....... how many inches of height wud i have lost had i just signed.??...... mebbe i wud hav got a few blessings has i just ignored that trivial matter!!.... but realisation dawns later than required!!..... but whateva!!>... was an experience to rememba!!

E.V.S - a heartfelt story!!

The first word that strikes you when someone says EVS – pakau, simple, cakewalk, boring, irritating…. Childhood stuff….. useless…. Time-pass…. In the wildest of your dream you wouldn’t want to believe that a subject like E.V.S. has the untapped potential to show you shining stars in broad-daylight until the same light becomes lightening and strikes a day before the exam (don’t trouble trouble, until trouble troubles you…. Coz if you trouble trouble, trouble will trouble you)…. U knw EVS at the back of your hand (the problem is … when u wanna write it 4 ur exam, it doesn’t move on to the pen which is in the front of ur hand…. Else thers no problem)… WHY??…. Did it in our childhood! Now its below our dignity to study it in F. Y. B.Com… v r C.A. + B.Com students… get it straight … C.A. + B.Com …. EVS padhenge!!.. Shaa!!… izzat ka sawaal hai!!…. so easy is EVS that when a professor asks what are the two parts of the core, some wiz-kid experiences a flash of occasional brilliance and says ‘HARDCORE and SOFTCORE’….. Epitome of creativity, isn’t it??… From the first day of F. Y. B. Com, u only sit & marvel at the superlative qualification of ur EVS professor ... PhD (the state and university is immaterial…. 4m that state, people have gotten Ph. D. in English) ... Not her fault… Those same professors then recommend u a book … with all the possible excitement, u walk to Parle Book Depot and get a bag full books, including EVS (Rs. 1045…. That too u gonna use the books just 2ce in the whole year)…. Till 48 hours before the exam, the book is crystal clean…. Neva bothered to touch it…. why??… Did it in our childhood… below our level to study it in F. Y. B.Com… n when u open that book, u cannot but marvel at the literary aptitude of 2 Ph. D. writers and 1 visiting professor in NMIMS… d first 4 hours are spent only correcting commas and full stops and wondering whether the writer has misinterpreted the definitions of a comma and a full stop… After 4 words, there suddenly appears a full stop out of thin air…. U donno whether the four words are the conclusion of the previous sentence or the start of the next!!… by the time u decipher that, u realize u read that somewhere sometime in ur bachpan!!… The remaining part of the day goes in correcting the grammatical errors!!…. Then the few minutes that remain, wud surely b 4 for relaxation and marveling at your achievement … cuhmon ppl!!…. C d Herculean task u just performed ... the book is a rare collection of masterpieces –
1.) The government sets aside funds to eradicate poverty by eradicating literacy!!…. wow!…. means all C.A.’s will b beggars!
2.) The sex-ratio of of age group 7+ is poor because the age group 0-6 fared badly… FARED BADLY??…. gedda life man!!…. what on earth does FARED BADLY mean in this context??
3.) Many of the big green companies applying the famous three Rs – reduce, recycle, reuse….. where on bloody earth is the verb in the sentence???
4.) The concepts of a natural resource has been broadened … whers d frigging agreement between the verb and the noun??
5.) Mineral are more limited ... beautyfool English…. Err… I mean BEAUTIFUL…. Not my fault… I’ve gone thru 59 pages of superlative literary talent.

On a more serious note, its far beyond your comprehension prowess to fathom how could a college like NM even recommend a piece of Holy Shit!!…… from the start to the end, the book consistently keeps u gripped…. Y wudnt it??…. every three lines u find some shameful n disgusting mistake!….

And when the ceremonious day arrives, u strut along like a peacock to the exam hall, somehow trying all Permutations and Combinations of getting 18 mks….that’s our benchmark of brilliance, isn’t it??….. map mein 5…. Means 13 outta 45??…. but what if map mein I don’t get 5?…. say 3…. So 15 outta 45…. UKV said that bio-diversity ka ans is sure-shot (I’m quoting)…. So that means I rathofy it….. say 6 there…. Thas 9 outta 15…. Baki ka I’ll manage…. According to vaastu-shastra and fengshui, the right people are seated at the right angles…. But when u get the papers, imagine the look on ur face when u see all but the supposed important questions ….. u wonder whether u heard properly??…. was I 2 study em or leave em??…. the u sumhow make sure u get 5 in the map….. 2 Give Reasons u knw something and make that into many things… the other u exaggerate to shameful levels (displaying no sort of emotion that remotely looks like shame)…. U see 1 short note that u actually learnt in ur childhoold….. u write away 2 glory… then u suddenly spot a short note that interests u…. WORLD POLITICS….. u loose awareness that it’s a 5 marks question in an exam and not an essay writing competition until u write 3 and a half sides…. Suddenly something jolts u back 2 reality and u realize u have attempted just 30 marks…. U cant guarantee urself 18 from that surely…. Then thers one 10 mark answer of which u have a pretty decent idea about…. U again inflate few lines to few sides with PRESENTATION and UNDERLINING….. but after writing worth 40 marks, which was merely bluff, mere exaggeration, mere stories, mere bullshit combined with horseshit, ur conscience pricks u (hu said the soul is dead??… hu said ethics look good only in the books??)…. how callous can u be to your teachers??…. u feel u shudnt torture em more …. So like a concerned student u tie-up your supplements (I forgot to mention…. Such is my skill n expertise in exaggeration that I needed 2 supplements)….. give the paper to the invigilator….. walk away….. with shame.,… n come out n laaf… shamelessly!!

Disclaimer: This is an earnest request to all stalwarts of the English language to please ignore any grammatical or spelling errors that may have occurred and brought the language to disrepute. I sincerely apologize for all errors, but at the same time would like to bring to the notice of those concerned that these errors are a mere consequence of RELIABLE PUBLICATIONS and this infection shall take a few days to heal!!

PS: For those who felt the previous blog was an *insanely long* epic, this one is 25.0345675% shorter

From an N-Gage QD to a Sony Ericsson W810i - the story of a lifetime

My story begins like everything else - 'with an N-Gage QD, a hutch connection and a little bit of luck'. My story is a long one and a very dramatic one.

As part of my preparations for starting college life, i did the most important thing that any student would do..... get a new cell!! (that is the ultimate for 9 outta ppl, isn't it??)..... it was one of the best things that ever happened to me until then!!........ getting a cellfone that was a trendsetter meant more than the whole world to me (tho when i got it, the trend was far forgotten)...... the second day in the life of my N-Gage was not the most ceremonious as one would imagine!!........ my mumma who was not to familiar with cellfones sends my N-Gage en route the floor..... i cudnt blame her 2 (my chveet mumma)..... she never knew what VIBRATION mode in a cellfone was...... so petrified was she with the UNUSUAL behaviour of the N-Gage that it goes straight down...... knowingly or unknowingly, i made it a point to carry forward that legacy and drop the N-Gage down atleast once or twice......... and let me make it known to everyone that the N-Gage was such a superbly fortified piece that it never ever gave way!! (and when it did, it got damaged beyond repair..... i'll come to that also)..... and if i sit back to introspect, i realise i spent more than 536 hours on my N-gage in about 28 months (536:37:52)..... that transalates to about 22 and a half days....... according to my dad, had i taken God's name so intensely, then i surely would have attained MOKSHA (SALVATION for those hu have some kind of inexplicable derision toward our mother tongue)...... the first few months with my VIDEO-GAME (thats how d cell appears to b to illiterate GAVTHANS) were rosy and exciting........ every time the cell rang, everytime it received a message, there was a surge of ecstacy..... every dum forwarded hindi shayari seemed colorful at the onset..... every sardar PJ seemed hilarious........ but with the passage of time, the aura, the charisma, the novelty of the messages faded away..... in fact, such was d annoyance that i even contemplated of asking Orange, then Hutch and now Vodafone to block incoming messages...... after 8 months u realise, u have 6 variations of the same message (something like Jhoom Barabar Jhoom)....... all said and done, nothing can beat the capacity of a N-Gage QD to bear physical torture........ imagine a phone that pops out of ur shirt pocket whilst sprinting on a railway station and goes skidding for abt 3 feet along the carpeted surface of the station...... how happy would the owner of the phone be to realise that there was only 1 dent in the body of the phone (d dent is evident till now)...... the phone functions as smoothly as cud despite going through so much of rough handling.....'THE TEST OF FIRE SURELY MAKES FINE STEEL'....... if that was not enough, thers another dramatic episode..... imagine the same phone that slips from ur hand and gets rammed into the floor of the college classroom.... and this time, the entire body of the phone opens up....... as in, the anatomy of the phone was visible to the naked eye....... yet from the moment i assembled the pieces together, the phone is perfectly perfect....... not a hint of gruesome torture....... and the epitome of the resillience of my phone is that it survived 26/7...... drowned in water for abt 2 hrs.... and within 48 hours, it miraculosuly begins to work (only the display screen was required to be changed)...... which other fone on this planet called earth can survive such levels of torture?!?! in fact my N-Gage QD was my FIRST CRUSH (note: there are many firsts, depending on the situation)....... there were very few days when the phone didnt find itself below my pillow @ night (my mumma always was worried i wud get Brain Tumour.......i was all the more happy..... i knw i have a brain)...... and then i was habituated and addicted to my darling..... i might have forgotten my house keys 'n' number of times..... neva was my N-Gage forgotten, but for one exceptional day (it actually was exceptional)..... it was the first event of the Planning Forum ( i was supposed to be hosting the enitre event.... Dylan O'Brien is what i was called)..... with all the pandemonium, all the excitement, all the tension, i sumhow, inexplicably forgot about the Love of my Life (i'm tho thorry)........ actually it was the joy of getting into my best formal outfit that over-shadowed my N-Gage........(i sumhow appear uncharacteristically civilized in formals)........ intelligent talks apart, my N-Gage has been my companion thru good times and bad ( i had most of my verbal give and takes on the N-Gage)..... very few phones can beat the utility of the N-Gage....... get in a 512 MB..... put in about 100 songs..... it becomes an i-pod...... put in abt 15 games...... it becomes a Game-Boy....... but in a few softwares.... u can make it a music-mixer..... a photo editor...... a music composer..... everything....... u name it and the N-Gage can do it....... the all-time classic lacks in just 2 aspects...... no camera and no FM...... but u cant have everything under the sun....... (if u havent yet realised, i've only been bragging about my cell...... its my area of expertise...... exaggeration).... the THEORY OF OPTIMUM OUTPUT applies beautifully to my cell...... over the 26 months i used it, the atena was utilized beyond normal capacity..... maybe the 'ganna-wala' spares some life in the sugarcane than i spared in my cell!!...... in fact, the atenna was damaged beyond repair .... d poor thing could not catch the network ...... i wud more often than not be hanging outta my window and yelling...... yelling so loudly that my voice wud reach the person on the other end aerially rather than thru d fone..... passers-by wud actaully look up to say HI and i wud look-down to say BYE...... but then, u wud neva accept the fault of ur beloved, wud u??..... so then u make up stories about how Hutch signal sucks...... how d Airtel tower in the opposite building interferes with the Hutch signal n blah blah...... but the fact remains that the cell had been over utilised...... the law of negative returns had set in (sure Amita Vaidya is proud of me ...*blush*)...... but the characteristics Indians as v r, u wud still believe that ' YEH DIL MAANGE MORE'..... so u use the fone to the limit.... maybe cross the vertical limit..... but then, inevitably the day came when the N-Gage had to go..... the end of my longest relationship with no infidelity!!..... and on the sixteenth day of september two thousand seven, on a sunny afternoon, after a sumptuous lunch, after a long travel to Globus i finally got myself a SONY ERICSSON W810i.....a walkman phone.......yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!....... sleeker than the N-Gage...... betta features..... camera..... radio .... (ur present affair is always betta than ur ex, isnt it??...... but ur ex will haunt u!!)..... in the firt seven days, i spoke out 5 hrs, 27 mins and 16 secs..... forgetting that tho the cell may have been new, the sim card was the same...... i was in the midst of the billing period..... hutch wudnt discount my bill coz i got a new phone!!...... but wateva.... as the feeling sunk in..... as the sorrow of parting ways with the N-Gage was overcome i just realised that the N-Gage shall always be the N-GAGE...... the new cell brought along with itself so much of attention (i neva received so much if it all thru my life ..... but in 3 days i more than compensated 4 it)...... the speakers that came along with the cell were the talk of the college (*exaggerative hyperbole*)....... i've promised to reserve 100 MB of for my friend to take only her pics...... the cutest thing on earth!!..... from the other 400 MB, 100 MB is purely for rock music..... and teh other 300 is random (cuhmon ppl.... i'm not formulating a 5-year plan)..... and may i request u all to pray for me that my dear little sony erisson wich weighs only 99 grams, which has a 22 MB inbuitl memory, which has 512 expandable MMC, which d best set of earphoes and portable speakers and many more thing remains with me for atleast 28 months (the N-gage shud b happy that it enjoyed more loyalty)

He Died a Fighter's Death

Not often are such men born who influence their sphere, but he did it ...... Not often are such men born who build teams that cannot be defeated, but he did it ....... Not often are such men born who convert a galaxy of stars into a TEAM, but he did it ...... Not often are such men born who are called Jose Mourinho!!.......

20th September 2007 shall be remembered as one of the saddest days in the history of world football........ 20th September 2007 shall go down in the history of Chelsea FC as one of their most shameful days...... a manager, a coach, a friend, a philosopher, a guide who orchestrated the club's most victorious and glorious patch in their history today in the most abruptly dramatic exits, parts company with his club....... A man who always stood his ground, stood by his word, spoke the truth, did what was right has been rewarded with the most disgraceful reward one would ever imagine ........ once again it has been proven that money was, is and shall always outweigh principles and uprightness ...... Which school of thought justifies the fate of Jose Mourinho??...... Under his enigmatic leadership, Chelsea FC emerged as winners of the English Premier League after more an 50 years...... During Mourinho's tenure, Chelsea FC have not lost a single match in the EPL at Stamford Bridge for over 3 years!!........ Mourinho is one of the very few managers to have won 6 tropihies in three years......... Mourinho might as well be the only manager to win the domestic league in his first season...... But a billionaire who doesn't have even the remotest idea of what football is...... who just knows that a great striker is his close friend and should play in his club, whether he fits into the scheme of things or no...... who just knows that his manager has to produce ATTRACTIVE football........ who just knows his manager has to get him every trophy thats up for grabs........ who just knows that his billions can build an invincible galaxy of stars........ merely due to his ego, this BILLIONAIRE creates a situation wherein Jose Mourinho and his soldiers part company!!

With the departure of Jose Mourinho from the EPL, the life, the essence, the soul of EPL has gone forever..... all the colour, all the spice, all the entertainment that Jose brought to th EPL shall be missing....... his statements termed as ARROGANT by many idiotic tabloids were always the truth...... they may have been terse, but they were REALITY..... No manager has the audacity to go sliding on his knees on the Camp Nou ch in a European match against Barcelona...... No manager ever has asked a written apology from a refree for some horribly wrong decisions....... No manager has ever said something like - If I wanted an easy job, I'd have been at Porto.... Champions League trophy, God and after God, me .

If there ever was any complaint against Jose Mourinho was that he didn't play ATTRACTIVE FOOTBALL...... he played BORING football...... it can never be termed BORING..... at least, for those who know football, it is anything but BORING..... in fact, i wud term it as CLINICAL APPROACH...... such was the stratergy of 'the special one', that other teams always preferred 'not to lose a match against Chelsea... winning was secondary'....... to Jose Mourinho goes the credit of making a side that cannot be defeated...... to Mourinho goes the credit makin a TEAM out of highly rated stars...... to Mourinho goes the credit of being GOD!!!

With the exit of Chelsea, there certainly will be a mass exodus of the Chelsea tema...... Drogba, Lampard, Malouda, Essien and Carvalho shall not be BLUES by January!!...... There goes a heart-felt advice to Mr. Abromhovich........ "Jose Mourinho can't manage a business..... u can't manage a football team"...... n if u still wondering, these words of wisdom are exclusively the words of Jose Mourinho

The ant is betta than u..... u knw why??.... d ant can bite u ur arse..... can u??...... simple implication - do not underestimate ur opponent....... i told My Little Angel this...... u may be Numero Uno in X & 0...... but when it comes to DOTS, do not over-estimate yourself!!...... u neva knw...... every dark cloud has a silver-lining...... but u cant help it when people are obstinate!!..... Over-confidence is a mortal sin...... so as decided by destiny, the game began........ as irritating as i can get, i started with the most boring game on earth..... also suffered early jolts when i gave away sitters to the ANGELIC DEVIL........ but then the TACTICAL ADAPTATIONS resulted in me winning the first game...... mere fluke.... upsets do take place.... doesnt mean i am better than some-one else in the game...... then began round 2...... the stalwarts of the game began imposing their prowess and expertise from the onset.... from 12 - 6 down, she takes a lead of 12 - 17........ but then destiny had other plans...... there had to be one loop-hole....... and in a nail-biting, heart-wrenching, hair-raising encounter, somehow, inexplicably th under-dog turned out victorious...... it was a rude shock to the pride of the champions, but there was no such intention to undermine the talent of the premiers....... all in all, it was a defining day in my DOTS career and i shall make this milestone a stepping stone to success.....

PS: U'll get your chocolate girlie... dont worry

Respond. Don't React...... this is hat i've been taught all through my life ...... and this is what i've een practised for a major part of life...... but then what on bloody earth do you do if something like this happens....... u r sitting in a restaurant with your closest friends ....... having the best of times.... but then out of the blues your antique N-Gage QD rings..... as old as it is you wud seldom hear what the person on the other side says..... but then if the news is what it is, the sound vibrations somehow get a new frquency wave and the words seemingly are crystal clear..... its not the effect of Marijuana (yes!..... the thts the lasting impact of my F.C. teacher that i rememba F.C. as well as i do)..... when someone tells u something like: "First Muhammad Ali Jinnah died..... the Osama pulled down the WTC...... then ICAI announce the CPT results...... all on 11th September".. how on the flowering bosom of Mother Earth do you RESPOND....... its is NORMALLY HUMAN to potray a reaction that more or less resembles an AGHAST LOOK....... een the Kanjivaram Idli, which is you all time favorite suddenly seems to have lost its taste...... suddenly from all the noise your friends make, theres SILENCE..... DISTURBING SILENCE....... you sit and count..... 96 hours..... thats all you hav!!............ an idea strikes you then..... LIVE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER LIVED....... then you spend 24 hours thinking how to live like u've neva lived...... then u realise 72 hrs....... on Sunday you wake up leisurely at 11:00 a.m....... by the time u r out of ur sleep, u realise that u have exactly less than 48 hours to go........ INTELLIGENT thoughts cross your mind...... articleship...... F.Y.B.Com attendance.....the principal breathing down ur neck....... and then you say "JO HOGA DEKHA JAYEGA"..... say CHAK DE

PS: the blog is inspired by yours - Suchita..... but no plagiarism!!.... all of us think on similar lines

When u enter the I.J Patel LiAbrary of N.M. College of Commerce and Economics, somewhere just at the entrance is a prominent metallic plate, on whic are engraved the set of rules that we as students are expected to follow whilst in the liAbrary..... the first rule says: "Talking in the liAbrary is not permitted".... let me at the very outset make it crystal clear that nowhere is it mentioned that LAUGHING IS NOT PERMITTED..... as sincere and studious as we are, we spent 2 hours in the coziest corner of the library just scanning thru huge reference books (1 which i got only due to my superlative Marathi prowess..... i only had to tell the librarian - "Kaka, fee receipt gharee visarlo.... book dyaa nah..... asa kaay kartaat?..... magical words).... after 2 laborious hours of merely marvelling at the quantum of the F.Y. BCom syllabus and making mind-boggling discoveries), as a stress buster, one of my friends (who belongs to the same category that i do) narrated a rather grave incident..... an incident that was a prank that he played on one of his poor friends..... at the end of the narration, that received utmost attention (not even my ECONOMICS teacher in junior college received as much attention from me ever) there was an outburst of hysterical laughter..... so contagious were the viruses of the inane laughter that the entire library began laughing coz we were laughing..... and we in turn laughed again coz they laughed at us coz we were laughing.... little did we realise that our decibels would embarass Maria Sharapova and effortlessly outclass her grunts.... if that was not it, the vibrations sumhow managed to travel a floor down to the alert watchman.... d poor fella, to save his job sprints up to us and yells "AB AAP LOG BAHAR JAIYE.... YEH KOI HASNEKI JAGAH HAI?".... the guilt that was within us finally surfaced and we burst into another roar (but not as loud) of laughter.... there was not an iota of shame or disgust or remorse or any other such emotion that is NORMALLY potrayed!!.....

SORRY HARRY POTTER FANS

Long years ago I made a tryst with destiny, never to read Harry Potter in my lifetime. Now the time has come when I shall break my pledge, not wholly or in full measure but very substantially. A time comes, but comes rarely when an inane yokel (like I am) realizes his folly and takes requisite steps to rectify his wrongdoings. Today, I step from darkness into light, from ignorance into reality. Today, as I read Harry Potter for the first time in my life, I feel guilty, I feel stupid, I feel deprived, I feel inconsolably sorry for having shown as much derision to Harry Potter and to JK Rowling as I have over the years. Had it not been for the sincere efforts of my friends, I would never have reconsidered my abysmal decision of despising Harry Potter. It is only due to their efforts, perseverance, tolerance, persuasive skills and passion for Harry Potter that I decided to read Harry Potter (intention was to prove them wrong). It is only when I reached page 223 (that was the last page of the book… don’t go and search for some earth shattering discoveries on that page) of the first volume of Harry Potter that I realized how erroneous, how mistaken, how foolish I had been over the years. There is no one but me to blame for the deprivation of fantasy I suffered. Had it not been for my obstinate attitude, I would have been in the league of the extra-ordinary gentlemen and gentlewomen (I mean Harry Potter readers). Had it not been for my irrational derision, I would have been respected in society and not looked down upon as an outcast. Had it not been for my erroneous belief, I would have been branded ‘COOL’ and not a ‘FOOL’.

I would like to take this opportunity to convey my sincere apologies to all Harry Potter fans, to Mrs. JK Rowling, to BloomsBury, to Harry Potter, to Hermione, to Professor Dumbledore, to Voldemort, to Ron Weasley, to Dranco Malfoy, to Hagrid, to Professor Snape, to Professor Quirrel to {Professor Flitwick, to the Dursley family and all other personalities that have Harry Potter what it is today. If in the event I may have verbally maligned any of the characters (which I have done very often), I sincerely apologize for all such heinous acts and plead guilty.

May I make it known that I am still not the most convinced with the concept (reading only one out of 7 books is surely not convincing enough… until you get till volume seven, you would still believe you are right). It is purely escapism epitomized. Anyway, illusion is far better than reality. Reality is also an illusion, albeit a persistent one. To admit, JK Rowling’s world is an amazing world to live in. I bet, Rowling’s world would be far more interesting than merely slogging for CPT (both dress-rehearsal and grand finale). What’s most admirable about Rowling’s writing style is her humility when it comes to vocabulary and not merely extravagantly exhibiting her exhaustive vocabulary. To Harry Potter goes the credit of making those persons take up tomes, who till then despised reading as a boring activity, an activity of the useless. To Mrs. Rowling goes the credit to inspire people to have faith in their ideas when the world opposes you. To Mrs. Rowling goes the credit of creating a world that never existed and making millions believe that it actually did. Harry Potter is more like a safety valve, where you can release all your stress. Maybe such a world would serve as a panacea for those disillusioned by the drooling reality and grinds of daily life.

In fact, Harry Potter is bliss. A fantasy, an escaped world, a heaven, a marvel, a phenomenon, a flight of imagination, Harry Potter is creativity personified. Its only when you read and see for yourself that you would realize how wrong you were. “I confess to almighty God, and to you my brothers and others (not sisters), that I have sinned through my own fault; in thoughts and in my words; in what I have done and what I have failed to do. And I ask Mrs. JK Rowling and all the Harry Potter fans, to intercede for me.”

PJ's - An Environmental Hazard or A Creative Genius?!?!

If anyone of you choose to believe PJ’s are annoying, infuriating, irritating, exasperating and acts of the jobless, redundant and the useless, then such people belonging to this rather erroneous school of thought are indeed very sadly mistaken. Such cynics do not reserve any right whatsoever to malign and slander this lately discovered proficiency, mastered by a handful of geniuses. PJ’s are the consequence of the uncommon nature of common sense and not merely futile minds, as some skeptics would believe. Cracking PJ’s of high caliber is surely not within the inherent capability of the ordinary (note: Skills can be acquired). You need to be extra-ordinary (split the words) for that. To be a successful PJ cracker, the PJ cracker and sanity need to move along in parallel lines. Any sort of a tryst between wisdom and PJ’s would certainly be very detrimental to the quality of the ‘creative-genius’. If you are under the erroneous impression that answering PJ’s is a child’s play, then I earnestly and sincerely request you to please clear all such misconceptions at the earliest. Even PJ’s of mediocre brilliance can show you stars in broad daylight, let alone ones par excellence. A rare concoction of guts, courage, stupidity, inanity, chronic mental disorder and a flash of occasional brilliance (note: you don’t need persistent brilliance) is a pre-requisite to even stand a chance to answer them. Only a rare kind of species is endowed with such a concoction of exceptional qualities. I can effortlessly prove to you the fact that answering PJ’s is not at all easy by any scope of imagination. And if you still obdurately prefer to defy reality (reality is meant to be defied), then answer this ‘simple’ question – “Once there was an animal race. Just as the race began, the elephant fell and yet won the race. HOW?” When he fell, uska popat hua ….. Since he became a ‘popat’, he flew and reached the finish line and won the race. I don’t think just one PJ drove the nail. Try decoding one more from my collection of rare masterpieces only to be sure as to what makes me such an ardent aficionado of PJ crackers. A person had 2 cigarettes and neither matches nor a lighter. Yet he managed to smoke the cigarette. HOW?? The answer to this million-dollar question is – the person threw one cigarette in the air and caught it. …. because catches win matches, he got the needed matches and lit the cigarettes….. Amazing!! Isn’t it?? How many of you intelligent, wise, normal and logically sound people could answer this question? I bet only the insane, unintelligent, dain bramaged … err … I mean brain damaged would have managed some sort of an answer. You need to be illogically logical for all these. Only those belonging to the former mentioned species are in the reckoning to manage any sort of an answer.

Despite reading so much of educative literature, you people still are unable to tell me why is 10 scared of 7. It is so difficult to even realize something as straightforward as ‘seven eight (ate) nine’, and yet you deliberately neglect to afford this art the acclaim and accolades it deserves for reasons best known to you. So henceforth before you imprudently write off any skill, do make an effort to consider the rarity of the attributes that go in to the making of such a refined genius. My innumerable efforts to fathom the rationale underlying the derision towards this talent have been rendered futile.

If any of you are on the verge of banging your heads against the walls or tearing this magazine into minute shreds or damaging it beyond recognition after witnessing only a trailer of a highly specialized art, then please ‘STOP’. There is a lot of other quality stuff on the other pages that do not deserve to go unread. Do not pronounce to other innocent writers, the punishment that one criminal deserves who managed to frustrate the daylights out of scores of readers.

And now after being strongly inspired by some unprecedented information provided to you by an accomplished stalwart of this sphere, you inexplicably managed to discover that Amitabh Bachchan would say “Cheeni Kum” to call a Chinese towards him. However this doesn’t afford you even an iota of liberty to associate yourself with the league of extraordinary gentlemen and gentlewomen. One needs to prove himself consistently over a period of time to deserve any association with the elite class.

PS: The above piece of highly imaginative and creative writing is an unintentional consequence of unrestricted wandering of the inherently futile brain of the writer and is an intentional tribute to a proficiency that’s unfortunately being looked down upon disdainfully and scornfully by some cynics and pessimists who miserably fail to acknowledge a sphere involving a very high degree of dexterity and caliber.

6th June shall go down as the saddest day in the annals of Indian television industry!!....... No bigger calamity ever befell the industry before this…… the day shall be remembered as BLACK …. No… GRAY…. No …. ‘WHITE Wednesday’….. Indian television’s most beloved daughter…. Err…. I mean mother….. err I mea mother-in-law….. I mean grand-mother…. Sorry… I mean great-grand mother-in-law’s sister’s mother shall bid adieu to the greatest ever television sop to have been produced in India…..Yes people….. TULSI, the ‘PERENNIAL FOUNTAIN’ of Indian Television shall part with the ‘CZAR OF DAILY SOP OPERAS’ Ekta Kapoor…… the most defining separation and partition in the recorded history of (wo)man-kind……. 7 years of mentor-prodigy relation shall give way!!...... after having survived innumerable generation leaps and reaching an enviable age of immortality, the ‘SHISYA’ shall move away from the patronage of the ‘GURU’, who played an instrumental part in Tulsi’s unprecedented achievement of being a saas + bahu + beti + maa + dadi + chaci + mami + bua + par-dadi + choti-maa + badi-maa = SMRITI Z. IRANI…. Who wouldn’t wanna fulfill all those relations as this one solitary soul had done…….. the media coverage this particular separation has attracted has easily outclassed the 9/11 bombings….. Had 2 be…... its TULSI after all…… the person who has mastered the art of relentlessly and ceaselessly crying for days on end, killing her own son, remembering names of 3…. Maybe 4….. I think 5 husbands……. Saving her family from ‘BARBADI’ for more than 120 years…. That’s the word that makes Tulsi what she is ‘BARBADI’….. a living example of Mahatma Gandhi’s ideology..…. Truth and Forgiveness have paramount importance….. Who else but her can associate as much importance to such vital values???..... Repeating the same dialogue persistently for 8 long years, without showing an iota of boredom or remorse or happiness, without flexing a muscle certainly takes helluva lotta of doing!!........

No wonder the day has been so gloomy and so cloudy….. the sun didn’t shine as brightly….. the character has struck the right chords with nature….. even nature seems to rhyme with this major major calamity….. from today I sincerely vow to observe 2 minutes silence on every 6th June hereafter to commemorate her invaluable contribution to the cause of ENTERTAINING INDIA!!..... KUDOS TULSI!!

The Name's RAM.... SHANTARAM!!!

AS I WRITE, I TOUCH, I FEEL, I SMELL, I DEVOUR, I GET INTIMATE WID THE BLUE & BROWN COVER, THE PAGES OF THE 'ORIGINAL' SHANTARAM..... D PIRATED DIDN'T SMELL ALL THAT GOOD!!....... FOOD, FRIENDS, ONLINE CHATTIN, ORKUTTING, CELL FONES...... ALL SHALL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF THE 'ORIGINAL' SHANTARAM........ BLESSED BE THE IMMORTAL SOUL OF THY NOBLE MORTAL WHO HAD THE NOBLE THOUGHT OF GIFTING ME THE NOBLE BOOK OF A NOBLE WRITER....... WITHIN 24 BLESSED HOURS, THIS MORTAL (I MEAN 'ME) HAS REACHED THE HIGHS OF DIVINITY, OF SANCTITY ONLY BY TOUCHING THE BOOK.......... THOUGH THE PIRATED 1 WASN'T ALL THAT BAD, THE ORIGINAL SHALL ALWAYS REMAIN THE ORIGINAL....... DEEP 4M MY HEART, A PROFOUND THOUGHT EMERGES WHICH GOES LIKE - "REMEMBA OH BLESSED GREGORY ROBERTS, THAT NEVA WAS IT KNOWN, THAT ANY1 HU READ SHANTARAM, IMPLORED ITS COMPANY TO FIGHT BOREDOM OR SOUGHT YOUR INTERCESSION 4 SOME QUALITY WRITING, WAS LEFT UNSATISFIED...... INSPIRED WITH THIS CONFIDENCE, I FLY UNTO U, OH WRITER OF WRITERS, MY IDOL...... TO YOU COME, BEFORE YOU STAND, SINFUL AND SORROWFUL FOR BUYING THE PIRATED SHANTARAM........ OH WRITER OF THE WORD INCARTE, DESPISE NOT MY TRUST, BUT IN YOUR MERCY, COME OUT WITH ANOTHER SHANTARAM........ OUR FATHER, HU ART IN AUSTRALIA, HALLOWED BE THY NAME....... THY PUBLICATION COME, THY WORK BE READ, IN INDIA, AS IN D WORLD....... GIVE US THIS DAY YOUR SHANTARAM, AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO BUY THE PIRATED 1........ LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION TO BUY D PIRATED 1'S, BUT DELIVER US FROM THE EVIL OF INDULGING IN SUCH AN ACT."

PS: The above piece of HIGHLY CREATIVE & IMAGINATIVE writing(wilful sarcasm) was an earnest attempt 2 appease the SHANTALOG (synonym 4 all dose hu read SHANTARAM accordin 2 SHANTABAI aka Prerna)

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO WIN AN ARGUMENT AGAINST A WOMAN

All the armies that ever marched, all the navies that ever sailed, all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever ruled, all the teachers that ever taught, all the singers that ever sang, al the dancers that ever dansed, put together have not achieved what this one solitary soul called DYLAN JUDE FERNANDES has achieved.......all ye earthly mortals, what i have achieved is beyond the caliber of a normal human being........ Being as modest as I can be about my unprecedented achievement, i would very humbly say that I managed to win an argument against a woman........ not many people, in the recorded history of mankind might have even come closer to achieving something as defining as this...... this shall certainly open new avenues and new horizons for arguments........ this achivement is culmination of earnest and dedicated efforts of a very very large number of people and they all deserve due credit, for without them, achieving this would have been for from reality...... First and foremost i would like to thank Prerna (Peru if i could assume d liberty to call her that) for handing me my first ever victory which would be treasured for time immortal..... if it wasnt for her refusal to sit with the freakiest creature on the flowerin bosom of mother earth (which meant i won d argument), i would not have been before you wonderful people...... then i would like to take this opportunity to thank all my female friends who kept winning arguments and thereby only strengthening my resovle to perform better each time i got into such an awkard position...... then i would like to thank my dad who always stood there defeated, yet optimistic........ PAPA KEHTE HAIN BETA BADA NAAM KAREGA (and i did not let my dad down... so i am not on obdurate son as people assume i am)....... and above all, i would like to thank my mom who kept defeatin my dad in evry argument and kept inspiring me!!!

ILLUSIONARY JOY IS BETTA DAN REAL PAIN.....

I never thought in my wildest dreams that this guy whom I met 2 years ago & seemed to be the most annoying creature on Earth, would become one of my closest friends….. yeah rite, if I was such a horrible creature, how did such a radical metamorphosis ever take place???..... maybe it’s a euphemistic manner of saying you still are such a pain in the wrong place, but since we know each other now, I have 2 tolerate you.

I wish that you do well in all fields that you're gonna be involved in….. if I even get through CA I will b more than happy….. else d fields r always waiting for me

Umn… ok so i've known this kid since grade 5, not cool experience... we fought a lot, argued, made each other's lives miserable, but have ended up as great friends……. Another classic example of saying you are a freaking dog, but I am a bigger 1, so v r both compatible

I met DYLAN for the very 1st time in our 1st PF meet...And wen he told me his name...he spelt it and asked me not to mess it up….. its so obvious people…. If ppl start 2 call me by names dat are sooooo appalling, den isn’t it betta 4 me 2 take precautions b4 its screwed 2 d hilt

He is really very intelligent...but doesnt want to show it….. y wudnt any1 show his/her intelligence to the world?!?!??!

He cracks the ultimate PJ's, but dey r worth a giggle at least..... I have no option but 2 show I am laafin so u least feel ur ball-talk nears d definition of a joke

He is always talkin n talking...doesnt get tired only……. Say SHUT UP…… it anyway means d same thing

I got to know him last yr nd im so glad I did…… like if she didn’t knw me, she would die of sadness?!!?...... I really do spread soooo much joy in ppl’s life…. JOKER…. CLOWN

He’s forever tryin to motivate me to study.. an attempt dat generally goes in vain.. but nevertheless greatly appreciated……just say don’t interfere in my life and mind your own

One of d most genuine ppl iv met…… its d certification that I am indeed who I am…… chuk all d BMC birth-certificates and all… she said I am genuine, means I am

Dylan is opaque to sum and glass to sum others...i m lucky tht i belong to the second category…… explain such a profound philosophical thought which is rich wid wisdom

She's a gal whose upto some mischief n fools everybody with dat innocent face of hers…… Y u jealous if your face reveals wat a big rogue u r

Okay, i gotta be honest......she is among the nicest friends i have ever had….. u deserve a Nobel Prize for being honest…. I swear u do

Describing this girl is nt all dat easy...aftr a 5 month survey…… like u spent 5 months SURVERYIN a girl…… dude, instead pray and u will attain SALVATION

What i cant miss is dat he's very generous n a down to earth person, ever-ready to help his frnds... n nevr misses n opportunity to give his seemingly wise advice….. d fella knws his advice is free …. Down 2 earth?!??..... mebbe he hasn’t learnt 2 walk yet n keeps tripping

Luv harrassin him coz he never getz angry on moi……. D guy is surely shit scared of u, or else he is hitting on u

This kid's a pain in the butt and the biggest asshole ever, but a true and close friend..... just freakin amazed at d contrast

kutta kamina... saale ko raat ke 2 baje cycle pe milne wali coffee bhi perfect chahiye..... dis is called being HONEST..... fantastic testimonial

A great person at heart who gives u the feeling of protection the moment u stand next to him...... maybe d fella is sum kind of KINGKONG hu can encompass u

She is one of the craziest chic i have cum across...shes my partner in crime..... CRIME?!?!..... now i will tell ur mumma!!!

She like develops a crush on any guy she sees... be it TV stars or any1 else (toh apna chance bhi hai)....... get a life dude.... u literally askin a gal 2 hav a crush on u?!?..... how pathetic is dat?!?!?

Shez cool, sweet and quite friendly to you...if she stops fidegiting wid her cell now n then.... what more do u expect her 2 fidget wid?!?!?!?

Well i dont knw why im writin a second testi for dis gurl..... SINNER..... lying 2ce abt d same person..... u wont een get a place in hell 4 lying sooo much...... n ders only 1 reason y ppl write testimonials...... dey get a chance 2 insult d opposite person SARCASTICALLY

PS: they were all parts of ur ORKUT TESTIMONIALS... wen u read em, u guys r so elated... dis wat dey actually mean

DISCLAIMER: The entire blog is purely ficitional and a consequence of the idle mind of the writer and bears no intentional resemblance to any testimonial written by any1 in all good faith or does not harbour any intention 2 malign the art of testimonial writing

We have just witnessed what I can most euphemistically term ‘THE RAPE’ of the Indian Judicial System. In one of the most ignominious verdicts pronounced by an Indian Court in recent memory, Alistair Pareira, responsible for the death of 7 labourers has got away with a mere 6 months imprisonment. Such an appalling judgment translates to less than one month of imprisonment for one life claimed. Is human life (of the poor) as cheap and as unvalued as this? Its time that we adopt capital punishment, more so, what I call ‘Like for like’ justice. A murderer should be killed, a rapist should be raped. Let them get a feel of what they inflict on others. If eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, its better the entire world is blind than some seeing with one eye and some with two. Any person who murders has no right to live. ‘Hang unto Death’. That’s what it should be. Serving out a mere 6 month term in prison for taking away 7 lives is something as ridiculous as murdering and saying “I’m sorry”. The entire judicial system has sold itself cheaper than prostitutes. May be I would look up to Prostitution with more respect than to the Indian Law Enforcement. On what grounds can a person responsible for 7 murders even think on mercy & compassion? What kind of HUMAN RIGHTS are people talking of for a person who doesn’t remotely border the definition of HUMAN. There is not even a remote scope of pardon for such heinous negligence. It may have been unintentional, but such errors just cannot be excused. Initial reports indicate the convict to have been under the influence of alcohol, and then further investigations suddenly indicate that the convict wasn’t under the influence of alcohol. What more evidence do we need that Indian Judicial System can be bought as cheaply in the pimp market with no hassles whatsoever.

There once lived in d lands of Mumbai an innocent blogger called Dylan… dis innocent blogger was a die-hard football maniac…. All his blogs were previewing and reviewing football matches…not once did a profile visitor ever comment on his blog…. This depressed the otherwise optimistic writer…. Then there was a dramatic turn around of events in his life….. There came a fairy in his life with her pink magic wand by the name of Azmeen…. She made him understand to navigate away 4m sports… by this he could least ensure her comment on his blog….. d poor child took her advice as gospel truth… for the first time he ventured to write on something other than sports…. Its was sarcasm…. And lo behold!!.... every person who visited the blog ever since has appreciated his work

Which idiot said Jim Carrey is the funniest man in Hollywood????.... Which ignorant said Eddie Murphy was a good was the funny-man??.... Who claimed that you need to watch the Drew Carrey show to laugh your holy guts out??? …… Who dared to say Seinfeld is the most amazing comedian on television??.... All those who make such claims are traitors of ORKUT…… u spend hours of your life to something that is addictive for nuts and are not grateful enough to acknowledge that ORKUT gives you your daily those of laughter…… you seriously can roll to the ground laughing or rupture a rib…… Have you ever given an iota of importance to ORKUT’S TODAY’S FORTUNE???... if you haven’t, then unfortunately you are missing out on some of the funniest ever predictions of your life….. You don’t believe me, then just look at my exclusive, priceless, timeless collection of some masterpieces:

1. The heart is wiser than the intellect…… that’s why I fall in love with every girl I see… Christ said love one and all as I loved you

2. Answer just what your heart prompts you…… my heart prompts me to propose to myprofessor in college, who is thrice my age behind whom I’ve been running for 2 years

3. You will advance socially…. I suffer 4m autism….. Now what do I do?

4. You are the center of every group's attention….. Euphemistic way of saying you r d JOKER of your group and people tolerate you because you provide them with tax-free entertainment

5. You and your wife shall be happy….. What if I was a girl?!?!?…. India doesn’t allow same-sex marriages… means I would remain a DEVDAS for the for time-immortal

6. You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy…. I know I am CHARMING… that goes without saying, doesn’t it??... now COURTESY…. Umm?? … eh?...eh??... I’ll tell you if I know the meaning of such a Latin bad-word

7. You will be getting new clothes…. WTF??!!??.... that’s all what I wanna say

8. You have prospects of a foreign trip…. My legal cum biological father till today didn’t take me……… mebbe I need 2 find a father to take me abroad.

9. A good time to finish up old tasks…. I 1ce planned to kill a person who completed by love polygon… but d next day I watched Lagey Raho Munabhai n turned non-violent… now what????

10. Simplicity of character is the natural result of profound thought…. Rite… those who don’t think r narcissistic, snobs, egoistic

11. You will never need to worry about a steady income…. My grandfather bequeathed me a fortune of 100 kilos of gold, 200 buffaloes, 500 horses, 1000 acres of mango plantations, herd of 1000 sheep, 4 deluxe flats in Cuffe Parade and a 3 bedroom flat over-looking Buckingham Palace… wish he made a Taj Mahal in PINK marble too so I cud lease to Lakshmi Mittal 4 his 50th wedding anniversary

12. You’ll be changing your line of work…. Someone as useless as me hu only blogs wont 4 nuts change his line of work…… mebbe Bill Gates would start a Joint Venture of Pheplas n Khakras

13. Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you ... rite... i looked left, i saw my loud-mouth neighbour... i saw right, i saw d pig... front of me is d desktop n behind me is my mum hu is gettin ballistic coz i've been on d comp for d past 3 hrs.... wherz happiness??.... where????.. temme where??

14. Avoid a hasty decision - i was to marry 2morrow and thanx to orkut i cancelled d plan.... else i wud ended up marrying a she-male.... i am indebted to orkut to their favour and henceforth i shall use orkut d whole day as a sign of my gratitude to their yeoman service to humanity

15. Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals..... i was so inspired by dis dat i gifted a beggar my vest..... d fella threw it bak @ me n said.... U ass, mine's JOCKEY, urs is RUPA

When I was a small little toddler, my mumma used to tell me “If you do well in life, you will get a prize.” As innocent as I was (I still am), I always believed that all these wannabes who walked up the garish, dazzling, glittering stages of film award ceremonies to were awarded the Black Lady (now there r all versions of it… 4m golden to techno mix to DC modifications)….. I was so touched by their gratitude, gratefulness, thankfulness… they never ever forgot to THANK anyone… rite form their wives to their neighbour’s wives, from their children to God knows whose children, from their friends to enemies (een their dreaded enemies r friends 4 d night… amazing, isn’t it??)

As time passed, I realized the THANK U speech barely has any sort of alteration… it was so uniform…. Its like some great writer or statesman in the past in his magnum opus prescribed this heart-felt, sincere, genuine, authentic, frank, candid, honest (I just ran out of synonyms) THANK YOU which is worth billions and only these few self-assumed privileged freaks have managed to get their hands on this masterpiece….which they can now proudly recite in before a gathering of some highly artificial, coloured, designed, ornamented, decorated, bejeweled, adorned cartoons…. they call themselves THE FILM FRATERNITY… I am so touched by their bhai-chara… they would do anything for the love of each other…. At least that is the way they put it…. the manner in which they praise each-others tails is a wonder to watch…. Coming back to the hyped, glamorous, alluring award ceremonies, I am just amazed at all the effort these highly committed people put in to be proud participants of a fiasco that lasts for just one evening… whats even more baffling is that none of them are even remotely amused to strut about in such a circus… the most annoying facet of this whole pandemonium is that these few self-proclaimed stalwarts of minimum IQ levels feel rather privileged, honoured, blessed, consecrated and fortunate to be a part of something as stupid and as dim-witted as this…. Every year some ridiculous categories of awards are initiated… Best New Face (mebbe d person got a plastic surgery), Best New Dance with old songs, Lifetime Achievement for a Debutant…. U can’t blame the organizers for that…. What if a SRK just graces the occasion without prior notice… u need to felicitate such a luminary who has rendered yeoman service towards the progress of the film industry.....

The spiciest and the raunchiest attractions of this insanity (ooooohhhhhhhhhhh…… aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh) are some anorexic, delicate, fragile skeletons wrapped in a few scraps of cloth, sway about on such a gigantic stage (they call it an amazing, a scintillating dance performance…. NB: definitions may vary)… just as they set foot on the stage, the scenes there are worth-watching (unfortunately not worth-describing)

Deep in my heart when I think of this all the people who are hallowed to be part of such an exclusive human-circus, I have a wish from my heart that says... “Let them get all that they desire …. They deserve nothing.

Come Roma to OT... d gallows r ready....

Maybe the Romans emerged victorious @ in Rome… maybe d Romans defeated d dwellers of the ‘Rome of Football’… maybe d dwellers of football’s Mecca went down fighting in the Roman fortress……… but as d scriptures say, “Ask and u shall get”… the Romans have asked 4 d wrath of United and they shall be honoured to get it. No matter who they are, no matter what they do, no matter how much they do, the writing is on d wall…. “From dust thou have cum & to dust thou shall return.” 76,000 faithful shall witness the sacrifice of 11 Roman goats on the altar we call Old Trafford

After a scintillating clash in Rome, its retribution time at Old Trafford…. AS Roma now travel back to citadel of Manchester United to play the return leg of the Champions League quarterfinal on 10th April... the Romans marginally emerged victorious in a high-voltage match marred by crowd trouble….. United always seemed the second best team against Spalletti’s men between the two whistles…. D unusual, weird, absurd, unconventional, unprecedented Roma formation of playing virtually without a striker didn’t augur well for a new-look United outfit that was compelled to play a makeshift back-four attributed to a plethora of injuries over the last 2 weeks. Tragedy seems to have become synonymous for Ferguson’s aspiring 11 when Scholes was booked twice within the first 34 minutes, reducing United to 10 men, just when they seemed to have settled in their groove. Scholes’ sending off meant Carrick was to play in a very unusual position and a rather uncharacteristic game of tackling and distribution. The United think-tank gambled by persisting with 2 attacking midfielders out of the three. Just as United would consider themselves lucky t go into d break without conceding, destiny thought otherwise. With mere seconds on the clock Rodrigo Taddei’s shot deflected of a United foot into the back of the net to, much to the disgust of Edwin Van Der Sar who would feel he had the shot covered.

The second half saw a more resolute Manchester, but Roma always seemeed to be the better team. A heavily marked Christiano Ronaldo managed to break the shackles and play Solskjaer, the Norwegian set up Rooney for a clinical finish, his first European goal in 30 months. Solskjaer’s contribution in the match, though under-shadowed by Roanldo’s flamboyance, had been yeoman. Just as United fans heaved a sigh of relief, Roma’s Montenegro substitute Mirko Vucinic put the hosts into the lead before the United fans could complete their sigh. Though United made positive moves by getting on Saha, the Romans managed to cling to their slender lead to the whistle. Prima-facie, it may appear that Roma are in pole-position, but the lead is too slender to even imagine that the Red Devils cannot overtake Spalletti’s men on the first turn at OT.

United are without a bunch of their key-players, especially Paul Scholes for the return leg. Nevertheless, Ferguson’s squad that has been stretched to the limit has risen to every accession, responding brilliantly to crunch situations. Thanks to the priceless away goal, United have a very achievable task of scoring only one goal and not conceding to go almost certainly set a date with Bayern Munich in the last four.

THE CLASH OF D TITANS…

Just as I write 6 hours before d war of the two stalwarts, the two titans, the two czars, the two of the supreme clubs in European football, I feel a surge of adrenaline, a surge of spirit, a feeling of excitement, a feeling of apprehension, a feeling of trepidation… but then sumwhere in my heart, deep down 4m a cozy corner shouts a voice “Ottmar Hitzfeld was, is and will always be betta dan Carlo Ancelotti”… the San Siro will host the first half of this epic battle between the tow former European champions – Bayern Munich and AC Milan…. The clash promises to be a mouth-watering, delightful, high-voltage face-off between two teams who have been beleaguered in their domestic leagues, one of them struggling to keep their chances of next year’s Champions League alive. Both teams have had their moments of glory, over-hauling d likes of Celtic & Real Madrid to get to d super-eight of the most coveted trophy in European football.

Bayern Munich inevitably are up against an Herculean task of outdoing the Italians @ the Stadio Giuseppe Meazza, with their key players not available for the most-important away leg. Inspirational captain and unsurpassable goal-keeper Oliver Kahn will miss the first leg by serving out a one-match ban after the German club withdrew an appeal against a one-game ban. The veteran goalkeeper had been punished by Uefa following a row after Bayern's game with Real Madrid earlier in March. To augment the woes, mid-fielders Mark Van Bommel will miss the San Siro leg. The Dutch star received a suspended one-match ban for gesturing to the crowd during Bayern's last 16 first leg encounter at Real Madrid, and was then sent off in the return leg. However both the players will b available for the second leg @ the Allianz Arena. For Milan, theie veteran defender, Paolo Maldini suffered a recurrence of his knee injury in Sunday's 2-1 derby defeat to Internazionale. Initial indications suggest he will be out for a month, making him a major doubt for both legs of the quarter-final. The knee trouble has been a long-running complaint for Maldini, who is concerned he will require an operation to fix the problem. The German giants are still feeling the pain from their defeat to AC Milan in the first knockout round in last season's competition. A 1-1 draw in Munich was followed by a crushing 4-1 victory for the Italian side as Milan produced an awesome display of attacking power at the San Siro to win their last 16 clash. Bayern have already visited the San Siro this season, beating AC Milan's fierce rivals Inter Milan 2-0 there in the group stages back in September, Bayern's first victory in Italy for 18 years. Bayern have lost their last four meetings with AC Milan at the San Siro, the stadium where the German side were crowned European champions six years ago after beating Valencia on penalties.

In the war of the managers, two of the best in Europe, Ottmar Hitzfeld has evidently been emerging victorious in the build-up battles, but can he win the war, or will he concede defeat to the talisman Carlo Ancelotti, a man whose actions have always shouted far louder than his words. Can Ottmar Hitzfeld outwit his Italian counterpart in Bayern’s quest for European glory, or will Ancelotti emerge as the Messiah for a team that is on d verge of going without any silverware this season? Will the Italian defiance outdo the German determination, or will the britzkreig be too hot to handle for the stylish Italians? Only if these questions were answerable, den destiny wudnt hav kept aside a date like 3rd April 2007 at the Stadio Giuseppe Meazza, Milan, Italy in front of 85,000 fans.