HOW DOES IT FEEL TO WIN AN ARGUMENT AGAINST A WOMAN

All the armies that ever marched, all the navies that ever sailed, all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever ruled, all the teachers that ever taught, all the singers that ever sang, al the dancers that ever dansed, put together have not achieved what this one solitary soul called DYLAN JUDE FERNANDES has achieved.......all ye earthly mortals, what i have achieved is beyond the caliber of a normal human being........ Being as modest as I can be about my unprecedented achievement, i would very humbly say that I managed to win an argument against a woman........ not many people, in the recorded history of mankind might have even come closer to achieving something as defining as this...... this shall certainly open new avenues and new horizons for arguments........ this achivement is culmination of earnest and dedicated efforts of a very very large number of people and they all deserve due credit, for without them, achieving this would have been for from reality...... First and foremost i would like to thank Prerna (Peru if i could assume d liberty to call her that) for handing me my first ever victory which would be treasured for time immortal..... if it wasnt for her refusal to sit with the freakiest creature on the flowerin bosom of mother earth (which meant i won d argument), i would not have been before you wonderful people...... then i would like to take this opportunity to thank all my female friends who kept winning arguments and thereby only strengthening my resovle to perform better each time i got into such an awkard position...... then i would like to thank my dad who always stood there defeated, yet optimistic........ PAPA KEHTE HAIN BETA BADA NAAM KAREGA (and i did not let my dad down... so i am not on obdurate son as people assume i am)....... and above all, i would like to thank my mom who kept defeatin my dad in evry argument and kept inspiring me!!!

ILLUSIONARY JOY IS BETTA DAN REAL PAIN.....

I never thought in my wildest dreams that this guy whom I met 2 years ago & seemed to be the most annoying creature on Earth, would become one of my closest friends….. yeah rite, if I was such a horrible creature, how did such a radical metamorphosis ever take place???..... maybe it’s a euphemistic manner of saying you still are such a pain in the wrong place, but since we know each other now, I have 2 tolerate you.

I wish that you do well in all fields that you're gonna be involved in….. if I even get through CA I will b more than happy….. else d fields r always waiting for me

Umn… ok so i've known this kid since grade 5, not cool experience... we fought a lot, argued, made each other's lives miserable, but have ended up as great friends……. Another classic example of saying you are a freaking dog, but I am a bigger 1, so v r both compatible

I met DYLAN for the very 1st time in our 1st PF meet...And wen he told me his name...he spelt it and asked me not to mess it up….. its so obvious people…. If ppl start 2 call me by names dat are sooooo appalling, den isn’t it betta 4 me 2 take precautions b4 its screwed 2 d hilt

He is really very intelligent...but doesnt want to show it….. y wudnt any1 show his/her intelligence to the world?!?!??!

He cracks the ultimate PJ's, but dey r worth a giggle at least..... I have no option but 2 show I am laafin so u least feel ur ball-talk nears d definition of a joke

He is always talkin n talking...doesnt get tired only……. Say SHUT UP…… it anyway means d same thing

I got to know him last yr nd im so glad I did…… like if she didn’t knw me, she would die of sadness?!!?...... I really do spread soooo much joy in ppl’s life…. JOKER…. CLOWN

He’s forever tryin to motivate me to study.. an attempt dat generally goes in vain.. but nevertheless greatly appreciated……just say don’t interfere in my life and mind your own

One of d most genuine ppl iv met…… its d certification that I am indeed who I am…… chuk all d BMC birth-certificates and all… she said I am genuine, means I am

Dylan is opaque to sum and glass to sum others...i m lucky tht i belong to the second category…… explain such a profound philosophical thought which is rich wid wisdom

She's a gal whose upto some mischief n fools everybody with dat innocent face of hers…… Y u jealous if your face reveals wat a big rogue u r

Okay, i gotta be honest......she is among the nicest friends i have ever had….. u deserve a Nobel Prize for being honest…. I swear u do

Describing this girl is nt all dat easy...aftr a 5 month survey…… like u spent 5 months SURVERYIN a girl…… dude, instead pray and u will attain SALVATION

What i cant miss is dat he's very generous n a down to earth person, ever-ready to help his frnds... n nevr misses n opportunity to give his seemingly wise advice….. d fella knws his advice is free …. Down 2 earth?!??..... mebbe he hasn’t learnt 2 walk yet n keeps tripping

Luv harrassin him coz he never getz angry on moi……. D guy is surely shit scared of u, or else he is hitting on u

This kid's a pain in the butt and the biggest asshole ever, but a true and close friend..... just freakin amazed at d contrast

kutta kamina... saale ko raat ke 2 baje cycle pe milne wali coffee bhi perfect chahiye..... dis is called being HONEST..... fantastic testimonial

A great person at heart who gives u the feeling of protection the moment u stand next to him...... maybe d fella is sum kind of KINGKONG hu can encompass u

She is one of the craziest chic i have cum across...shes my partner in crime..... CRIME?!?!..... now i will tell ur mumma!!!

She like develops a crush on any guy she sees... be it TV stars or any1 else (toh apna chance bhi hai)....... get a life dude.... u literally askin a gal 2 hav a crush on u?!?..... how pathetic is dat?!?!?

Shez cool, sweet and quite friendly to you...if she stops fidegiting wid her cell now n then.... what more do u expect her 2 fidget wid?!?!?!?

Well i dont knw why im writin a second testi for dis gurl..... SINNER..... lying 2ce abt d same person..... u wont een get a place in hell 4 lying sooo much...... n ders only 1 reason y ppl write testimonials...... dey get a chance 2 insult d opposite person SARCASTICALLY

PS: they were all parts of ur ORKUT TESTIMONIALS... wen u read em, u guys r so elated... dis wat dey actually mean

DISCLAIMER: The entire blog is purely ficitional and a consequence of the idle mind of the writer and bears no intentional resemblance to any testimonial written by any1 in all good faith or does not harbour any intention 2 malign the art of testimonial writing

We have just witnessed what I can most euphemistically term ‘THE RAPE’ of the Indian Judicial System. In one of the most ignominious verdicts pronounced by an Indian Court in recent memory, Alistair Pareira, responsible for the death of 7 labourers has got away with a mere 6 months imprisonment. Such an appalling judgment translates to less than one month of imprisonment for one life claimed. Is human life (of the poor) as cheap and as unvalued as this? Its time that we adopt capital punishment, more so, what I call ‘Like for like’ justice. A murderer should be killed, a rapist should be raped. Let them get a feel of what they inflict on others. If eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, its better the entire world is blind than some seeing with one eye and some with two. Any person who murders has no right to live. ‘Hang unto Death’. That’s what it should be. Serving out a mere 6 month term in prison for taking away 7 lives is something as ridiculous as murdering and saying “I’m sorry”. The entire judicial system has sold itself cheaper than prostitutes. May be I would look up to Prostitution with more respect than to the Indian Law Enforcement. On what grounds can a person responsible for 7 murders even think on mercy & compassion? What kind of HUMAN RIGHTS are people talking of for a person who doesn’t remotely border the definition of HUMAN. There is not even a remote scope of pardon for such heinous negligence. It may have been unintentional, but such errors just cannot be excused. Initial reports indicate the convict to have been under the influence of alcohol, and then further investigations suddenly indicate that the convict wasn’t under the influence of alcohol. What more evidence do we need that Indian Judicial System can be bought as cheaply in the pimp market with no hassles whatsoever.

There once lived in d lands of Mumbai an innocent blogger called Dylan… dis innocent blogger was a die-hard football maniac…. All his blogs were previewing and reviewing football matches…not once did a profile visitor ever comment on his blog…. This depressed the otherwise optimistic writer…. Then there was a dramatic turn around of events in his life….. There came a fairy in his life with her pink magic wand by the name of Azmeen…. She made him understand to navigate away 4m sports… by this he could least ensure her comment on his blog….. d poor child took her advice as gospel truth… for the first time he ventured to write on something other than sports…. Its was sarcasm…. And lo behold!!.... every person who visited the blog ever since has appreciated his work

Which idiot said Jim Carrey is the funniest man in Hollywood????.... Which ignorant said Eddie Murphy was a good was the funny-man??.... Who claimed that you need to watch the Drew Carrey show to laugh your holy guts out??? …… Who dared to say Seinfeld is the most amazing comedian on television??.... All those who make such claims are traitors of ORKUT…… u spend hours of your life to something that is addictive for nuts and are not grateful enough to acknowledge that ORKUT gives you your daily those of laughter…… you seriously can roll to the ground laughing or rupture a rib…… Have you ever given an iota of importance to ORKUT’S TODAY’S FORTUNE???... if you haven’t, then unfortunately you are missing out on some of the funniest ever predictions of your life….. You don’t believe me, then just look at my exclusive, priceless, timeless collection of some masterpieces:

1. The heart is wiser than the intellect…… that’s why I fall in love with every girl I see… Christ said love one and all as I loved you

2. Answer just what your heart prompts you…… my heart prompts me to propose to myprofessor in college, who is thrice my age behind whom I’ve been running for 2 years

3. You will advance socially…. I suffer 4m autism….. Now what do I do?

4. You are the center of every group's attention….. Euphemistic way of saying you r d JOKER of your group and people tolerate you because you provide them with tax-free entertainment

5. You and your wife shall be happy….. What if I was a girl?!?!?…. India doesn’t allow same-sex marriages… means I would remain a DEVDAS for the for time-immortal

6. You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy…. I know I am CHARMING… that goes without saying, doesn’t it??... now COURTESY…. Umm?? … eh?...eh??... I’ll tell you if I know the meaning of such a Latin bad-word

7. You will be getting new clothes…. WTF??!!??.... that’s all what I wanna say

8. You have prospects of a foreign trip…. My legal cum biological father till today didn’t take me……… mebbe I need 2 find a father to take me abroad.

9. A good time to finish up old tasks…. I 1ce planned to kill a person who completed by love polygon… but d next day I watched Lagey Raho Munabhai n turned non-violent… now what????

10. Simplicity of character is the natural result of profound thought…. Rite… those who don’t think r narcissistic, snobs, egoistic

11. You will never need to worry about a steady income…. My grandfather bequeathed me a fortune of 100 kilos of gold, 200 buffaloes, 500 horses, 1000 acres of mango plantations, herd of 1000 sheep, 4 deluxe flats in Cuffe Parade and a 3 bedroom flat over-looking Buckingham Palace… wish he made a Taj Mahal in PINK marble too so I cud lease to Lakshmi Mittal 4 his 50th wedding anniversary

12. You’ll be changing your line of work…. Someone as useless as me hu only blogs wont 4 nuts change his line of work…… mebbe Bill Gates would start a Joint Venture of Pheplas n Khakras

13. Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you ... rite... i looked left, i saw my loud-mouth neighbour... i saw right, i saw d pig... front of me is d desktop n behind me is my mum hu is gettin ballistic coz i've been on d comp for d past 3 hrs.... wherz happiness??.... where????.. temme where??

14. Avoid a hasty decision - i was to marry 2morrow and thanx to orkut i cancelled d plan.... else i wud ended up marrying a she-male.... i am indebted to orkut to their favour and henceforth i shall use orkut d whole day as a sign of my gratitude to their yeoman service to humanity

15. Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals..... i was so inspired by dis dat i gifted a beggar my vest..... d fella threw it bak @ me n said.... U ass, mine's JOCKEY, urs is RUPA

When I was a small little toddler, my mumma used to tell me “If you do well in life, you will get a prize.” As innocent as I was (I still am), I always believed that all these wannabes who walked up the garish, dazzling, glittering stages of film award ceremonies to were awarded the Black Lady (now there r all versions of it… 4m golden to techno mix to DC modifications)….. I was so touched by their gratitude, gratefulness, thankfulness… they never ever forgot to THANK anyone… rite form their wives to their neighbour’s wives, from their children to God knows whose children, from their friends to enemies (een their dreaded enemies r friends 4 d night… amazing, isn’t it??)

As time passed, I realized the THANK U speech barely has any sort of alteration… it was so uniform…. Its like some great writer or statesman in the past in his magnum opus prescribed this heart-felt, sincere, genuine, authentic, frank, candid, honest (I just ran out of synonyms) THANK YOU which is worth billions and only these few self-assumed privileged freaks have managed to get their hands on this masterpiece….which they can now proudly recite in before a gathering of some highly artificial, coloured, designed, ornamented, decorated, bejeweled, adorned cartoons…. they call themselves THE FILM FRATERNITY… I am so touched by their bhai-chara… they would do anything for the love of each other…. At least that is the way they put it…. the manner in which they praise each-others tails is a wonder to watch…. Coming back to the hyped, glamorous, alluring award ceremonies, I am just amazed at all the effort these highly committed people put in to be proud participants of a fiasco that lasts for just one evening… whats even more baffling is that none of them are even remotely amused to strut about in such a circus… the most annoying facet of this whole pandemonium is that these few self-proclaimed stalwarts of minimum IQ levels feel rather privileged, honoured, blessed, consecrated and fortunate to be a part of something as stupid and as dim-witted as this…. Every year some ridiculous categories of awards are initiated… Best New Face (mebbe d person got a plastic surgery), Best New Dance with old songs, Lifetime Achievement for a Debutant…. U can’t blame the organizers for that…. What if a SRK just graces the occasion without prior notice… u need to felicitate such a luminary who has rendered yeoman service towards the progress of the film industry.....

The spiciest and the raunchiest attractions of this insanity (ooooohhhhhhhhhhh…… aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh) are some anorexic, delicate, fragile skeletons wrapped in a few scraps of cloth, sway about on such a gigantic stage (they call it an amazing, a scintillating dance performance…. NB: definitions may vary)… just as they set foot on the stage, the scenes there are worth-watching (unfortunately not worth-describing)

Deep in my heart when I think of this all the people who are hallowed to be part of such an exclusive human-circus, I have a wish from my heart that says... “Let them get all that they desire …. They deserve nothing.

Come Roma to OT... d gallows r ready....

Maybe the Romans emerged victorious @ in Rome… maybe d Romans defeated d dwellers of the ‘Rome of Football’… maybe d dwellers of football’s Mecca went down fighting in the Roman fortress……… but as d scriptures say, “Ask and u shall get”… the Romans have asked 4 d wrath of United and they shall be honoured to get it. No matter who they are, no matter what they do, no matter how much they do, the writing is on d wall…. “From dust thou have cum & to dust thou shall return.” 76,000 faithful shall witness the sacrifice of 11 Roman goats on the altar we call Old Trafford

After a scintillating clash in Rome, its retribution time at Old Trafford…. AS Roma now travel back to citadel of Manchester United to play the return leg of the Champions League quarterfinal on 10th April... the Romans marginally emerged victorious in a high-voltage match marred by crowd trouble….. United always seemed the second best team against Spalletti’s men between the two whistles…. D unusual, weird, absurd, unconventional, unprecedented Roma formation of playing virtually without a striker didn’t augur well for a new-look United outfit that was compelled to play a makeshift back-four attributed to a plethora of injuries over the last 2 weeks. Tragedy seems to have become synonymous for Ferguson’s aspiring 11 when Scholes was booked twice within the first 34 minutes, reducing United to 10 men, just when they seemed to have settled in their groove. Scholes’ sending off meant Carrick was to play in a very unusual position and a rather uncharacteristic game of tackling and distribution. The United think-tank gambled by persisting with 2 attacking midfielders out of the three. Just as United would consider themselves lucky t go into d break without conceding, destiny thought otherwise. With mere seconds on the clock Rodrigo Taddei’s shot deflected of a United foot into the back of the net to, much to the disgust of Edwin Van Der Sar who would feel he had the shot covered.

The second half saw a more resolute Manchester, but Roma always seemeed to be the better team. A heavily marked Christiano Ronaldo managed to break the shackles and play Solskjaer, the Norwegian set up Rooney for a clinical finish, his first European goal in 30 months. Solskjaer’s contribution in the match, though under-shadowed by Roanldo’s flamboyance, had been yeoman. Just as United fans heaved a sigh of relief, Roma’s Montenegro substitute Mirko Vucinic put the hosts into the lead before the United fans could complete their sigh. Though United made positive moves by getting on Saha, the Romans managed to cling to their slender lead to the whistle. Prima-facie, it may appear that Roma are in pole-position, but the lead is too slender to even imagine that the Red Devils cannot overtake Spalletti’s men on the first turn at OT.

United are without a bunch of their key-players, especially Paul Scholes for the return leg. Nevertheless, Ferguson’s squad that has been stretched to the limit has risen to every accession, responding brilliantly to crunch situations. Thanks to the priceless away goal, United have a very achievable task of scoring only one goal and not conceding to go almost certainly set a date with Bayern Munich in the last four.

THE CLASH OF D TITANS…

Just as I write 6 hours before d war of the two stalwarts, the two titans, the two czars, the two of the supreme clubs in European football, I feel a surge of adrenaline, a surge of spirit, a feeling of excitement, a feeling of apprehension, a feeling of trepidation… but then sumwhere in my heart, deep down 4m a cozy corner shouts a voice “Ottmar Hitzfeld was, is and will always be betta dan Carlo Ancelotti”… the San Siro will host the first half of this epic battle between the tow former European champions – Bayern Munich and AC Milan…. The clash promises to be a mouth-watering, delightful, high-voltage face-off between two teams who have been beleaguered in their domestic leagues, one of them struggling to keep their chances of next year’s Champions League alive. Both teams have had their moments of glory, over-hauling d likes of Celtic & Real Madrid to get to d super-eight of the most coveted trophy in European football.

Bayern Munich inevitably are up against an Herculean task of outdoing the Italians @ the Stadio Giuseppe Meazza, with their key players not available for the most-important away leg. Inspirational captain and unsurpassable goal-keeper Oliver Kahn will miss the first leg by serving out a one-match ban after the German club withdrew an appeal against a one-game ban. The veteran goalkeeper had been punished by Uefa following a row after Bayern's game with Real Madrid earlier in March. To augment the woes, mid-fielders Mark Van Bommel will miss the San Siro leg. The Dutch star received a suspended one-match ban for gesturing to the crowd during Bayern's last 16 first leg encounter at Real Madrid, and was then sent off in the return leg. However both the players will b available for the second leg @ the Allianz Arena. For Milan, theie veteran defender, Paolo Maldini suffered a recurrence of his knee injury in Sunday's 2-1 derby defeat to Internazionale. Initial indications suggest he will be out for a month, making him a major doubt for both legs of the quarter-final. The knee trouble has been a long-running complaint for Maldini, who is concerned he will require an operation to fix the problem. The German giants are still feeling the pain from their defeat to AC Milan in the first knockout round in last season's competition. A 1-1 draw in Munich was followed by a crushing 4-1 victory for the Italian side as Milan produced an awesome display of attacking power at the San Siro to win their last 16 clash. Bayern have already visited the San Siro this season, beating AC Milan's fierce rivals Inter Milan 2-0 there in the group stages back in September, Bayern's first victory in Italy for 18 years. Bayern have lost their last four meetings with AC Milan at the San Siro, the stadium where the German side were crowned European champions six years ago after beating Valencia on penalties.

In the war of the managers, two of the best in Europe, Ottmar Hitzfeld has evidently been emerging victorious in the build-up battles, but can he win the war, or will he concede defeat to the talisman Carlo Ancelotti, a man whose actions have always shouted far louder than his words. Can Ottmar Hitzfeld outwit his Italian counterpart in Bayern’s quest for European glory, or will Ancelotti emerge as the Messiah for a team that is on d verge of going without any silverware this season? Will the Italian defiance outdo the German determination, or will the britzkreig be too hot to handle for the stylish Italians? Only if these questions were answerable, den destiny wudnt hav kept aside a date like 3rd April 2007 at the Stadio Giuseppe Meazza, Milan, Italy in front of 85,000 fans.