NOTA zindabad

Very recently, a rather not-so unknown tabloid in Germany carried a disturbing and derogatory story about the plight of India under the current UPA regime. In my earnest endeavor to euphemise the crux of that piece, I could most mildly term it  – disparaging. Yes, the nationalist spirit in me yearns to rebut each of the factual observations with a lofty and illusionary rhetoric, but being the feeble-willed nationalist that I am, I’d subscribe to the public flaying of my country by those who are struggling to keep their own “union” afloat and are wondering why is the White House interested in the brand of shampoo their heads of state use. The title of the article, nonetheless, remains etched and resonates with alarming discomfort – “India never had it so bad”. Yes, it’s the just that.

My eccentric mind would like to take the liberty to adapt this title to another drama playing out in the great Indian theatre. A drama that includes conjecture, venom-spewing character assassinations, unfounded claims, baseless promises and above all – “nonsense”. I just love that word. Nonsense! Yes, I talk of the run-up to the 2014 elections; an election termed as the most significant in post-Independence India. A lot of cynics would play-down the import of this election, but I am an eternal optimist. So I shall allow more than the requisite importance to this election. This election is absolutely important for it will tell us how can a population in excess of 1.2 billion choose from two persons, both of whom are neither better nor worse than the other. Oh, the Rahul Gandhi contingent just felt nice that someone finally did not denounce the “young man” and the Narendra Modi camp is aggrieved that there is a rebel who has not bought into their superlatives.

Being a rational Indian (antithetical idea, I know), I shall be balanced in my view. I promise, I will try. For those, who are yet uncomfortable with my writing style – you can always count on a distressed mind for a bizarre prose style.

Given that none of my writings are complete without taking some potshots at the country’s blue-eyed half-sleeved-kurta-dressed (oh, I just want one of them for myself too) poster boy – the man who is the messiah and who will take this country to the promised land, with blood on his hands - oh sorry, I just wanted to say Narendra Modi, but then, the blaring TV channels told me that everything about him has to be dramatic, devoid of substance, noise and it should polarize opinion - I shall make many baseless allegations (adrenaline filled -  tit for tat style).  Can I sense some anger? Mission accomplished. Anyway, leaving the fireband, hit-and-run self-styled incorruptible development-minded (culpable of genocide) Chief Minister to himself, I have to concede that no leader (gosh, we need to be kind to these people I say) in India has the charm to assemble a rally of 500,000 (maybe a zero more than reality) people and name it (very arrogantly) “hoonkar”. Given his astute maneuvering and handling of the media, Narendra Modi has taken grandstanding to a new level altogether. To be fair to him (see, I am trying very earnestly), the apathetic and pathetic ruling machinery has just given him all the arsenal on a platter and being the opportunist he is, it’s time he makes hay while the sun is shining. For an elected government, which seems to be living on another planet, completely disconnected from its voters, Narendra Modi is doing what any idiot would have done. And it’s easy. Accuse. Allege. Malign. With a well-paid batteyr of speech writers and event managers, every circus is bound to be a sell-out. Whether u pay 1,000 rupees to the attendees and take back 5 rupees as ticket fee, it doesn’t matter. What matters is a high-pitched animated and emotion-charged oratorical masterpiece that blossoms on the naivety and also the (legitimate) exasperation of the masses. And given the large majority of people – some 45%+ - who want to see Narendra Modi being given the top-job (just by the way, a rigged internet survey of 5,000 educated but gullible youth in urban India is NOT majority) – NaMo is all set to sell his (hollow) tea-stall to PM story. And with the backing of a fanatical cadre-based organization (which, should’ve been banned 60 years ago), the momentum seems to be with NaMo. Yes, there are the ghosts of Godhra but who cares. In a country where every political party is culpable of some form on communal incitement, NaMo can be excused. How does it matter than a few thousand minorities were killed and the remaining survivors live in fear of extermination? The youth of India care about 2022 and not 2002. Agreed that there is a menu of (opaquely constructed) statistics which paint Modi in favourable light, but beyond that he has nothing to offer. I do not recollect even one instance where NaMo has offered a single solution to a national issue. Let alone a solution, most of this speeches are laughable. Case in point – the Sardar Patel fiasco. Sorry, but the self-gloating extended monologue, garnished with a poorly articulated attempt to hijack the legacy of Sardar Patel shows NaMo is very poor light. The choice of the occasion was, to say the least, appalling. The choice of words, as usual, was cheap. The choice of company, in whose presence the fiasco unfolded, was disrespectful. In summary, NaMo just proved why is the over-aged equivalent of our favorite troll icon – RaGa (oh sorry, I just misspelled youth as troll). Giving credit where it is due, the normally reticent Manmohan Singh launched a scathing counter-attack on NaMo. Just an earnest advice to NaMo – though you’ve back stabbed your father-like mentor (the soldier of hindutva seems to have forgotten the role of vishwa-pitama), please take a lesson from the embarrassment the ever-PM-hopeful L K Advani endured in 2009 when he chose to make a personal attack on the Prime Minister. The same sound of “slap in the face”. For all your histrionics Mr. Modi – the personal integrity of the Prime Minister remains unblemished and every attempt to malign him has always boomeranged. Accept it and be guarded. You really don’t want to look like a fool in the only place where people know who you are.

That ends my evaluation of NaMo as India’s future PM. Out of 10, he scores 1.

And now the prince who wants to give up his dreams so that the poor of this country can live theirs. Please don’t! They are too childish. Before I say anything – please don’t embarrass us with your Jupiter-like velocity of thought and your survival story (more dramatic than 127 hours) after being bitten by 25,000 mosquitoes. Ok, I still cringe when my friends abroad ask me – is this the man who wants to lead your country? I reply, very earnestly – “he is still a young boy. At 44. Who has done nothing all his life!” At 23, taking a 3 month break from my job to pursue further studies, I feel like an asshole sitting at home. At 44, your sycophants call your Rahul Baba. For godsake, forgive us. And first things first. Sack your speech writer. Hire someone with some maturity. I know you need friends to play mary-go-round. But don’t ask them to write your speeches. At least hire a 18 year old for godsake. Every opportunity you get, you make it into a family gathering and talking of your childhood. Come out of it now, please. See, I really don’t want to vote for the BJP. But you are not making me cast my vote for the Congress. And there the SC has come up with NOTA. Why, Rahul? Why? Little more restraint and you’ll sound like somebody who is growing up. Agreed your high-impact hit-and-run antics make great entertainment. But spare a thought for your advisors and janitors who have to clean up your crap (don’t take it literally). Be it bhatta parasol or tearing up the SP manifesto or the “mere paas maa hai” speech in MP or my most favorite “nonsense” moment – please follow up on something. I haven’t even raked up kalavati and your fiery (but hilarious) speech on Lokpal. That’s too distant, yes? 2-3 years is something you wouldn’t recall. With a new gimmick every week, I hope your secretaries maintain proper logs of them. Besides, mummy, papa, dadi will all pray for you. Don’t worry. But for heaven sake, do not make statements like “poverty is a state of mind”. No person in the right mind says that. And by sharing the hard-earned 2 rotis in a 4-member family in UP, you are forcing them to sleep hungry. Really. Your entire effort of trying to put all ills on the table of the Prime Minister and hijacking all good (there isn’t much anyway) is not working. I assure you, there is nobody in this country, who blames the PM for the ills caused by your mother and other members of your family, including poor farmer your sister was forced to marry. We all know what your family has done for this country. And given how grateful we are, we request you to please take a break and stop making sacrifices. They have made this country into a skeleton. At least, spare that. Your “sacrifice” story is not selling. NaMo hollow development is. Try that. But you cannot. 9 years of anti-development! Now don’t say that you have nothing to do with it. Beta, bada ho ja. I promise you, the day you make one proper sensible speech, i'll give you a score on 10. Till then, keep entertaining us.

In summary, between NaMo and RaGa, pick NOTA.